Indecisive

Hey wow, look who it is. Me again. You hear that? Sounds like summertime sadness and it’s not even July! Can anyone say ‘here I was just looking to have a nice break from emotions and illogical bouts of sadness but Brain has other, obviously better, ideas’? Because same.

I can’t do it anymore. I try and I try. I run and I run and I don’t go anywhere. I run until my legs are like lead, until I can’t breathe, and for a moment, I grasped something, but by now it’s long gone. I can’t keep up. There it goes, disappearing over the horizon. There’s no point in pursuing it. Catching up is impossible now. There they go, rushing past me, but metal clashes against my skin, and I cannot move, cannot drag these chains behind me any longer.

I am so weak.

There’s a noose around my throat and if I strain against it, the rope might break, but only after it’s snapped my neck. Death holds out their gracious hand, yet I hold my own close to my chest, visions of unknown commitment dancing at the corners of my sight. What lies beyond that pale hand, in those unseeing eyes, swaddled in that chill, I cannot fathom. A hand extended in offering, but I stand frozen, unable to take the plunge.

I am so afraid.

The surge of the ocean, the Devil’s teeth, the roar of the flames, they urge me forward, gnashing their teeth and threatening me with a pain greater than the merciful end, but I am so tired. They snap at my heels, howling in laughter, wailing the tumbles, the bumps and the bruises, the missteps and mistakes, shouting them into the heavens. They linger just out of sight, a constant reminder, waiting for just the moment when they can come crashing down over my head.

I am such a screw up.

Forward, I can only run, with that mindless exhaustion that drags me to my knees. Back, pain and terror that encroaches with the purpose of a predator. End, an unknown void of which I cannot fathom and fear too much to dive into. So here I will stay, bound in my own weakness, strangled by my own fear, and hunted by my own mistakes, left in a limbo of indecisiveness.

I am so tired.

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The Void

Quiet room of blank walls and silent glistening creatures

Overflowing with hunger, longing for more than they have,

For more than they are.

They wander unseen about the air,

Tripping through a tangled nest of once golden hair,

Jumbling together until each thought is incoherent, twisted.

Ashened creatures spring from the tangled chaos of thought,

Poking and pulling soft features into a mournful scowl.

Silence wears on.

The buzz of prancing thought weaves through the furthest regions of a pure mind,

Tainted it with the wickedness of the world,

That buzz growing into a dull roar,

The howling of a raging fire.

Sadness, deeper than the ocean and just as cold,

Darker and more empty than the great expanse of space,

Latching onto bare ankles in manacles of self-loathing,

And encases marred wrists with the chains of the past.

The Den

It was alive,

Living with a quiet solitude,

Warm and pulsing with low, sharp tones of familiar music.

Golden wood walls smelling of old sawdust

Decorated with the living mind.

Tattered coverings of youth and glossy posters of an elder fascination,

Strung together with Christmas lights hung year round.

Beautiful glass bottles of every color and shape,

Clutter together with small dragons and worn books

On grey bookshelves and dusty window ledges.

Scraps of paper, scribbled on, torn, blooming with meaningful nothings

Pile haphazardly on card-tables,

The creature struggling to trap those vivid fantasies,

To pull them from their convoluted mind.

In its loft position, the nest is a tangle of soft fabrics and plush companions.

Content in that chaotic pile sleeps a black and white cat,

A commonly welcomed visitor.

Her very being is strewn throughout her bedroom.

These Unspoken Things

These unspoken things that linger

in those dead air spaces

between the words that are said and those

left lodged in throats

as broken stutters

those unspoken things

that will never see the light of day

I am enchanted

and undone

I am nothing and everything

my heart is ice and stone

but my eyes are stardust

my soul is magic

and it resonates with this

timbre

of a perfect chord struck

and despite the fact that the moment

is merely a moment

(that will never last for the duration

of anything more

than what it is)

I can still live there

in that quiet

chaos

where the magic fills the space

in-out of my lungs with heaving breaths

and quiet whispers

like the night sky

I will always admire you

but I will never

be able

to touch.

I Believe In Sacred Lies

I believe in sacred lies.

Those small truths clinging close to the heart

while tendons pulse and tongues bleed

from words bitten back.

 

Those sacred lies we tell ourselves

whispered at that warped two o’clock

when the world is silent and everything feels so right

and so wrong.

 

 

 

To Wake Up

words are coursing through blood, through bone

while the dark king sits on his bloody throne

and the lost souls writhe in hell and moan

when water trickles from a desert stone

 

there is a rhyme that echoes in siren’s cry

and the freedom that she cannot buy

the world spins on and the stars will die

to leave a black and bloody sky

 

runes carved deep and set in might

granting blind oracle bloody sight

the real monsters never stalk the night

but grin leering grins in burning light

 

a queen is trapped in bloody sleep

her knights afraid to take faith’s leap

knowing her heart was never hers to keep

an angel glad, her soul to reap

 

My Dearest, My Beautiful

For Grayson

My dearest

my thread sister

fellow witch, fellow warlock

partner in mischief

dear little cat,

why are you so troubled?

the stars watch your path

with a glitter of magic

echoing the star dust in your eyes

in your heart

let it fill you

until the sadness is magic

and the magic is you

and you are the night

and the night is the stars

and the stars are the universe

and the universe is the sadness

that fills you

and presses upon you

like the ocean

like the weight of the world on your shoulders

bear it with grace

as you always do

until the sadness is magic

and the magic is you

and the stars shine bright

in your eyes