Hey wow, look who it is. Me again. You hear that? Sounds like summertime sadness and it’s not even July! Can anyone say ‘here I was just looking to have a nice break from emotions and illogical bouts of sadness but Brain has other, obviously better, ideas’? Because same.
I can’t do it anymore. I try and I try. I run and I run and I don’t go anywhere. I run until my legs are like lead, until I can’t breathe, and for a moment, I grasped something, but by now it’s long gone. I can’t keep up. There it goes, disappearing over the horizon. There’s no point in pursuing it. Catching up is impossible now. There they go, rushing past me, but metal clashes against my skin, and I cannot move, cannot drag these chains behind me any longer.
I am so weak.
There’s a noose around my throat and if I strain against it, the rope might break, but only after it’s snapped my neck. Death holds out their gracious hand, yet I hold my own close to my chest, visions of unknown commitment dancing at the corners of my sight. What lies beyond that pale hand, in those unseeing eyes, swaddled in that chill, I cannot fathom. A hand extended in offering, but I stand frozen, unable to take the plunge.
I am so afraid.
The surge of the ocean, the Devil’s teeth, the roar of the flames, they urge me forward, gnashing their teeth and threatening me with a pain greater than the merciful end, but I am so tired. They snap at my heels, howling in laughter, wailing the tumbles, the bumps and the bruises, the missteps and mistakes, shouting them into the heavens. They linger just out of sight, a constant reminder, waiting for just the moment when they can come crashing down over my head.
I am such a screw up.
Forward, I can only run, with that mindless exhaustion that drags me to my knees. Back, pain and terror that encroaches with the purpose of a predator. End, an unknown void of which I cannot fathom and fear too much to dive into. So here I will stay, bound in my own weakness, strangled by my own fear, and hunted by my own mistakes, left in a limbo of indecisiveness.
I am so tired.