I fear this sadness will swallow me whole-
it’s needle claws are reaching up
from somewhere between my ribs,
waving like feelers as it
scents the air for the cloying sweet smell
of happiness decomposing-
candy guts swimming in gelatin blood
(can we find our happiness there?)
Because my friends
(my so-called friends)
always ask, ‘Why don’t you eat more?’
Why can’t you understand,
there’s no happiness to be found in food
and in a perpetual search for a
desperately needed cure-
why waste my time on something
that brings no pleasure?
Because I fear this sadness with swallow me whole
and I’m growing weary of this constant running
with no direction and no sense of purpose-
as if staying in motion can stave away the drowning.
Sometimes it can,
but it rarely
It doesn’t even feel like sadness-
more like some deep set longing
(like an itch that can’t be scratched);
if I’m not happy,
then would it not make sense
that I am sad?
This is a longing for those peaceful
sunny days when the clouds were mere wisps
in a crystal blue sky, when I was calm
and my mind did not war with my heart.
But I fear that this sadness will swallow me whole,
and steal away the vibrancy of the sunshine
and the beauty of an autumn time breeze.
I feel my colors slipping away.
Sometimes we must resign ourselves
to living our lives out